Unrequited Love: But I'm Going to Chase You Forever

Unrequited love.

     Most know its heartache, have tasted of it's bitterness and pain - from a simple middle school crush, to deep affection for another who just doesn't seem to care. I, for one, know that my journals from elementary to high school are speckled (sometimes filled) with dramatic entries about my secret crush at the time and how perfect and wonderful that person was and the desire for them to notice and care for me, imagined scenarios and interactions, immature pining. 

     This time, however, it is different. This unrequited love comes from one of those whom I call my daughters, one of my girls. Every night, when I tuck the little ones in, I pray and kiss them good night, saying, "I love you" - sometimes in English and sometimes in Spanish... The usual response is a hug and a kiss back with an echo of (in Spanish or English!) "I love you, too!" 


     But there is one, only one, who has never said those words to me, and countless nights she has rejected and avoided my goodnight besitos (kisses). At first, it was hard for me, and I began to take her rejection personally. I'll be honest - it hurt. But the Lord quickly turned my heart away from myself. This little one is only seven years old, but acts like she thinks she is 27 - evidence of early (how early!?) childhood experiences that forced her to grow up and hide away the little girl who wants goodnight kisses deep, deep down inside, guarding herself from the world, hardening herself to anything - or anyone - who could hurt her. We sometimes forget about the disproportionate growth and forget, too, about the little girl. When she can wash dishes or mop a floor like she has done it for years and get ready for school in the morning without a bit of help, we think she shouldn't have moments of immature selfishness, a crying fit every once in a while, an impulse to fight for a toy she wants. And this is when I have to remember she is only seven... and that in those short seven years, she has already lived a lifetime of pains and pressures.

     I think that Katie Davis (who wrote Kisses from Katie) experienced something similar with her girls in Uganda. When I read her words, they cut to my soul (Thanks, Mom, for reminding me of them!):

{{How do I tell a child I love her when she doesn't know love? How do I expect her to trust me when all she has ever known is broken trust? I prove it. I earn it. I remind her over and over again with words, actions, hugs and kisses. I remind myself over and over again that Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child.… When a child tries to shove me away so she can hurt me before I hurt her, ...what then?...I remember that a good God who wants good for his children can give only good. I remember that all this, even this hard part, is working for the good in their lives for the good of God and his kingdom. I remember that these hardships are gifts that he is using to strengthen us as a family and in him so that he may transform us into his likeness." These are the children that the Lord saw fit to bless me with." Gen. 33:5 }} 

{{Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis}}

And so I press on. 

     Sweet girl, I AM going to chase you forever. I am going to love you until you can know that it IS love, until the tough facade and carefully guarded pride begin to melt away. And I am going to pray that Daddy God will wreck you with His love and turn you inside out so you can let that little girl heal. I choose to love until it hurts, to love until the walls begin to crack - or maybe they won't, but I will love anyway.

LOVE. 

I want to know Love, REALLY know it...

the perfect, whole, total Love of my Papa Dios. I want to be FILLED with it so that it pours out of me, so that it is the motivation for everything that I do, so that in every moment my kids know that I love them and that Daddy God loves them, whether we are singing together and having fun or they are sitting in their room in trouble. I want them to know UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ... but it is something that has never been experienced before... I don't want to withhold my love as a punishment. I want them to understand discipline as a part of my love! And so let it be rooted in love, for if I have the power of speech, or of prophecy, or great faith, but am not rooted and grounded in the love that is high and deep and wide and long... I am nothing. 

.... Lord... teach me!

     This summer, I fell in love with a song before I even knew how poignant it would be to my life here at the Chadasha Children's Home in Jimani, Dominican Republic. Misty Edwards asks, "What does love look like?" and she asks the Lord for an answer. His response? She sees Him on the cross: "I saw him there, hanging on a tree looking at me ... with arms wide open, a heart exposed - arms wide open ... Love's definition was looking at me."

   That is how I want to live. That is how I want to love. With arms wide open like my Savior's were, welcoming the world in, abandoned to the Father, loving wholly and completely, never giving up, never stopping - even when it hurts.

Check out the song here:"Arms Wide Open"

My arms wide open - Father, fill me with Your relentless love!

Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
    the brightest kind of flame.
 Many waters cannot quench love,
    nor can rivers drown it.

                                   

                                    {Song of Solomon 8:6-7}

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

                                    {Philippians 1:9-11}

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